i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
