I wanna bring you to show and tell
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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