I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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