I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I want her autograph on my taint
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
