So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
