I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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