I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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