my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
