well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
