I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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