Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
