You did not just play the dead husband card again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
