No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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