so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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