apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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