First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
