I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
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Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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