Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
time to smoke my breakfast
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
