I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
