I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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