Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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