tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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