you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
