I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
