they said they heard you say put it in my butt
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
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