38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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