My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
