We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
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