I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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