i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
