It's Friday. Sex?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
