thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
