I think I won the penis lottery.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
