Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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