Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I am naked and annoyed.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
