Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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