I think I just saw someone hide a body.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
