I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
