By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
