No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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