We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
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Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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