she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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