Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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