nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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