I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
