I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My bed smells like the plague
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
