So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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