I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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