Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
