She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
