So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
