Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
