Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Randomize
