you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
