the condom got lost in my hair
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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