I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
