Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
