I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
