I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
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Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
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I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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