Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
